the healing retreat

Well, I have had more than a week to process what happened during my healing retreat. The reason why I wanted time to process was because I wanted to make sure what experienced wasn't simply a one or two day thing. The following are excerpts (revised) from my written journal from immediately after the Saturday night session:

4/30 ~10pm
It may be too early to say, since I am slightly cautious of mountaintop experiences. I think I need about a week to totally process what exactly happened today. If I could some it up in one word, it would be: freedom. For the first time since I don't even remember, I feel so free. Not since the mission trip to the Ukraine have I felt this good. In so many ways, I feel better than I ever have in my entire life. Is that strange to hear?

There may be a reason behind this: this past Friday (4/29) during communion, Jill's message was on Revelations 2, where Jesus addressed the church at Ephesus. She pointed out verses 4 and 5: "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place." She challenged us with the following questions: have we forsaken our first love? Do you remember how it was when you fell in love with Jesus? Have you forsaken that?

At those questions, I thought to myself, "I don't believe I have forsaken my first love for Jesus, because I don't know if I ever truly was in love with Him in the first place." And I've been a "Christian" for over 16 years. Sad, isn't it? During all those years, I don't believe I was ever truly in love with Him. Have any of you ever been in a romantic relationship where you thought you were in love, but later realized you weren't; that it was far from love? That was my realization on Friday. All those praise and worship songs where I sang how much I loved Him, I now see that while I did love Him, I loved other things much more. And when we love other things more that God, what do we call that ladies and gentlemen? That's right folks: IDOLATRY. More on this later.

The personal ministry time with my counselors today was so wonderful. God was so faithful during it. At first I was a bit apprehensive because two out of the three counselors were women! Even worse, they were term three students whom I would see around Pierrepont daily. How awkward it would be to share with these two sisters (whom I just met) some of my worst sins and secrets, and then see them around and have meals with them? Well, I quickly got over it and just trusted in God.

Immediately after the first ministry session, I was very much at peace. The guilt, shame, regret, and condemnation that haunted me for the past two years were no longer there. Poof. My counselors and I prayed, cut off, and renounced them all in Jesus name. During the second session, one of my counselors had a word of knowledge from the Spirit about me. She asked me if I was believing in these two lies from the enemy: 1) I had a fear that no one will ever love or accept me (including God) because of my past sins; 2) that I felt I needed the forgiveness of two certain people in order to be forgiven, vindicated, and move on. Those words were spot on. I never told her (or anyone here as a matter of fact), but she heard from God. In the end of the ministry time, all curses, unholy soul ties, generational iniquity, lies, and demonic influences were cut off and prayed away in Jesus name. I feel great!

Getting back to may original point: so I feel better now that I ever have in my entire life. I think it's because for the first time, I feel as if there is nothing standing in between me and my Lord Jesus. For the first time, I feel as if I am able to totally surrender my all to Him. For the first time, I am falling in love with Him.

So... some of you may be thinking, "How are you feeling now, a week and a half later?" Well, I still feel great. For those of you out there who know me well (and everything that I have gone through for the past two years), I am telling you the truth when I say that much (if not ALL) of the fears, guilt, shame, depression, despair, condemnation, insecurities, rejection, and pain are no longer there. There is such a lightness and freedom in my spirit that I haven't felt in years.

Don't get me wrong. God still isn't through with me yet. I know there is still stuff that still needs to be dealt with. I suspect that there is still some healing to be done, but I strongly believe that most of the core issues, hurts, root areas, and problems have been prayed into. Yet, it's all good, because He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Can I hear an "amen?"

the Cross in front of main house